There was a shy one.
The first one.
It was the one where it was all brand new, beautiful, sweet, subtle. Where all the small moves were neither right nor wrong because no one knew what was. The questions were never kept but were thrown out every which way trying to understand it all. Hand holding. Stealing a kiss or two. Knowing each other just enough to know a little more than most. The world seemed to be brighter and all too scary but the fear just a smidgen. The mornings took longer and the days could not end because nights were flooded with all the new thoughts and dreams of the new adventure.
Once it was over there were tears and the whole beautiful world turned to a wet dark place. The questions were different and nothing made sense.
There was a fun one.
The next one.
With a devilish smile and laughs that hurt your stomachs. Cautious but just enough to let one in. It’s all different. All the answered questions of before turned to new ones but not surface level.
Like diving into the lake instead of the pool we were once used to, it has new depths. There is new everything but the strokes are all the same. Passions, once held, let go into a tangled version of one another and it all melts into one big mess. One cannot be without the other for too long and we search for the other to feel that high once again. Dares and panic of the deep have rushed you. And everything you do suddenly becomes too fast and this is it. It’s the one. You dreamt it would be this way and here it is. The kisses are heart wrenching, the promises are too much, the feel of the weight of the world is looming over ready to slam both into reality. It’s a dream. All of it. Fun, fast paced, the-sky-is-the-limit dream and it slowly fades away.
Soon, we wake up and see it is completely all in one’s head. No such thing existed, really, just fairy tales we tell eachother. The high is hard to get back as things changed and the story we made up comes to an end.
There were others.
The ones that came after.
All new. All different. All hard to read. Not wanting to get too close but just enough for the amusement to be enjoyed and to never speak again. One learns the game and plays it well. Some ‘could bes’ some ‘no thank yous’ and they all serve one purpose, to entertain while one builds. Its a hard game to play and not many understand it but know enough to know it’s shallow waters. Trying different flavors, exploring new thing, getting a feel of lives that one thinks about. It’s dangerous. Crazy nights with clouded thoughts.The world seems superficial where the harsh truths come to play. One adapts and builds either way, with or without another because it slowly doesn’t seem to matter.
There then comes the one.
The one that changes everything.
It comes quietly and suddenly. A warm ‘hello’ and the casual goodbye stops a heart where it normally would never. The heart knows now. All questions find thier answers. The kiss feels like roots that go all the way down to a new world. The embrace feels like home. This place is a vast ocean so deep, there does not seem to be a bottom. The conversations serious and enlightening. Plans put to action and words found all meaning. Songs make complete sense and thier absents makes the heart grow fonder. Hot tea nights with the lights down low. Love languages spoken in everything done. The yearnings to share have overcome one’s soul.
It all makes sense. The world makes sense. The heartaches make sense. The lessons make sense. The love makes sense.
There will be a ‘one’, just trust it will all make sense one day.