I Should Respect Myself More

Even when no one else does, I need to respect myself

That is key to bettering yourself they say. I try my best to figure out what I am doing wrong and why the hell do I still feel lower than dirt.

I have gotten better. MILES times better from the start of it all. I cannot really pinpoint EXACTLY when my life really did take a plunge but I know it has been about 2 years already. I bet we are all tired of hearing that same story. For those of you who don’t know, read my last posts.

I have been working on myself and I have gotten better. Where I used to cry myself to sleep a year ago now I go to sleep with a peace of mind.

If you feel like you have NOTHING together and your self respect went to crap, go ahead and keep reading.

I may not be all collected, given, what 23 year old is in this economy. Having to work twice as hard to pay our bills and having little to none on the side to seem worth while, on top of that, being a mom.

You see, I have been dating

Oh yes, You heard that right.

I have been dating this last month.

And it gets worse!

On stupid Tinder.

TINDER! Everything I am against and despise, I went with tinder to get me back out there and out of this hole.

And how did that go?!

Horrible.

Absolutely freaking horrible.

How Did I end up on Tinder?

I heard from a few friends that my ex was on there looking for people around in my area and I could not believe it.

I couldn’t.

My ex is from England, and I always thought he was done and over with the girls in America.

I had to believe it to see it because this did not sound like him, I never thought he would do something like that, especially around my area, halfway across the world.

I made an account and there he was.  I was devastated but I had to move on and accept that we are not longer anything and that he was free to do whatever he wanted. I had no say in his life and I actually do/did wish him the best deep down, even though I wanted to be petty.

I was going to delete it that night but I had like 80 people wanting to talk to me already within those ten minuets when I felt lower than dirt. I did the whole swiping thing and I talked to a few people on there that boosted my confidence.

How things went

I had been talking to a few people for a couple months now and I honestly could not shake this guy out of my head. Honestly, when we were first speaking I didn’t remember his name. I guess people were more curious about my profession other than really wanting to ask me out. I had over 4,000 men wanting to talk to me around the area at the time and there were about three men that stood out to me from the crowed.

I did give people a chance and I went on a few dates, nothing was serious, but the first time I felt something was with a guy who told me from the start “Let us just see where this goes, okay?” I had a blast, maybe he didn’t, but I sure did. I hung on every word he said and my mind kept racing like my heart, not knowing what to say.

I am normally myself, collected, when talking to people. But with him I kept losing my train of thought, my heart couldn’t calm down, and I was SUPER nervous! Like, really damn nervous.

Normally, I am not like that. I could be shy, sure, but nervous of being who I am? Never, I never apologized for who I was to strangers, ever.

I was stupid. I was falling for him too quick that I had to stop myself and remind myself that this is the beginning of something and I should pump the breaks.

We talked for about 2 months

Not anything serious, just enjoying the convo was all and I couldn’t help but want more.

That is when I found there was something wrong. I found myself really trying hard where he stayed the same.

I should have known, I should have seen it from the start. He would never end up with a girl like me. It was too good to be true. He had way more to offer and I was just this. 

He had his life together and I was still piecing mine up from the last relationship I had. He knew that too and kept asking me if he should just stop things here so I can work on myself and try it later.

And, you know what? I should have taken that offer. I should have. That would have been the best without letting my overthinking kill everything that could have been. I didn’t want a repeat of what happened in my last serious relationship, not having time to grieve for my heartbreak and moving on too fast to numb the actual pain I felt for losing someone who was once really dear to me.

It took a lot of self control to hold myself back from things I really wanted to say. But I would be an idiot and have a few drinks and let out all the feelings I kept trying to hide inside out and it would always end bad for me.

I have been out of the dating scene since I was 14

I never really held the title single since then. I have no idea how kids do it these days and I am so freaking lost where people my age know what it is about left and right.

Me? A divorced mom who has been with someone since she was 14 who is a hopeless romantic?

Yeah, they ate me alive out there.

I still believed in love at first sight, things happening for a reason, true love, romance, fairy tails, etc. I had the shred of hope that things like that still existed out there.

I still had hope that I could find someone eventually.

This message is probably for the girls who always look for a man to help them with their broken hearts

It isn’t worth the heartbreak, sweetheart.

It isn’t.

What I learned through this experience with the same tendencies is that you cannot rush these things. They should just come naturally. And no matter how much they love you, it will never fix the way you feel inside. That is all on YOU, on your OWN.

What should come naturally?

Them wanting to talk to you and you to them. Nothing should feel forced. Nothing should be done out of pity. Nothing you don’t want to do shouldn’t be done to impress someone. You can do new things and try a bit more if you would like, but that should come to you naturally other than second guessing yourself where if you have to ask if it is a good idea or not.  Because, it normally isn’t a good idea.

Find what makes you YOU! Find happiness within yourself where you need to, no one else. Find love for yourself instead of finding that validation from others.

Daddy issues, abusive relationship survivors, depression/ anxiety,  being bullied etc shouldn’t make you afraid of finding that love for yourself. It is scary. I know it is. I have been there, like most of us have. It is a shitty feeling. It is horrible thinking no one in this world thinks you are worth a damn and you sit there waiting for someone to save you and take the hurt away.

But, love…BE your OWN hero!

It is an extremely HARD process to pick of the pieces of what is left and to move forward on your own where you relied on others for YEARS. One of the most difficult things to do in one’s life is to cut the cord and do things and figuring things out on your own, whatever it may be.

But loving yourself is hard for some, believe it or not. But it IS obtainable.

Trying hard for someone who won’t give you the time of day, doesn’t do much but give you little shred of hope thinking things will be better is not worth the wait. No one should be hesitant if they want you in their life. The people who deserve your love, patience, and time are the one’s who have no doubt in their mind that they want you in their life. They don’t just think, they KNOW.

Know THAT difference!

Making up excuses for them and trying so hard to find a logical explanation is just a head and heart ache on it’s own. It isn’t hard to send a quick 5 second good morning text. It isn’t hard to quickly say goodnight. At LEAST that. If they don’t see you worth at LEAST 15 seconds of their time, why is it so important to give them all the heartache you hold for hours for that simple reply.

You deserve better.

You deserve more than just a simple text.

You deserve someone who almost worships the ground you walk on. Who looks at you and nobody else. Who thinks you are a gift and should be valued more than it is given credit for. Who would run to you at 3am because you need them. Who loves you even when you are not likable. Who has you running through their mind more than just twice a day. Who can’t wait to see you etc.

Most importantly, who MAKES time just for you.

You deserve that and much more.

So, what happened to this guy?

The infamous way to end a relationship these days….I was ghosted.

HA! I laugh when I think about it because I never thought in a million years I would ever have to go through that. I never believed in online dating (like, actually going online to avidly try to find potential love). I thought I would never fall for “fuck boys”. I thought I was smarter than that and I did not understand why girls would settle for half assed men who didn’t give an effort where the rest of the world could see plain as day that he is just not that into you and to move on already.

I thought it would be easy for me to pin point a guy like that and to move on.

But, it happened to me. Where every meme and sad song made sense where before they didn’t.

But, I knew deep down, I did not need a guy like that. I should not try this hard to get a guy to talk to me.

But it hurt when he didn’t. I was not in love, I was just so interested in where things would go. I wanted to see more and experience more than what was just given to me.

I doubt he reads my blogs. I doubt he even cares that much and that is fine.

It took me a while to get out of the denial I had and to wake up and smell the bullshit from a mile away.

I was only kidding myself.

It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less

It does. It really freaking does.

Being rejected like that has it’s own sting.

I have been rejected before, LOADS of times! But nothing left me feeling like I was literally nothing until then. Being ghosted is nothing new to a lot of you and you are probably laughing at me at the moment telling me “You don’t EEEVEEEN know the HAAALFFF of it!” And you’re right. But! For the ones who don’t know, it sucks.

They leave without warning. One day, you think everything is going well and you still have hope and light at the end of the tunnel and out of nowhere it all just stops. Not the feeling, the contact.

It leaves you with a million questions.

I like straightforward people. The people who tell me how it is without beating the bush, they just go straight to it and let me know exactly what they are feeling. That makes it so much easier on the both of us.

But instead I had a million questions left unanswered and feeling quite lousy.

I was not worth an explanation. I was just that easy to ignore and it really hit hard thinking we had something when we actually did not.

I will LIVE!

I know I will. I am not in love or hung up over him. I actually moved on quicker than I thought. Still stings but eh, what can you do?

It taught me a lesson of self respect. I should respect myself more and not put so much out there when I got nothing in return. It was a lesson not to jump in so quickly and worrying about consequences later.

It has been about a couple of weeks and  it was enough to brush myself off and smile and think nothing of it but to respect myself more and know what to look out for.

Wish him the best and hope he finds what he is looking for.

I am not looking anymore. I am letting it find me. And so far? That is the BEST decision I EVER made so far.

Until Next time!