I hold a lot of guilt lately
I have been under so much stress in the past two years. I have been trying my best to hold myself together and tell myself that I am doing okay, I can get through this. If I were to be completely honest I was just living in a dream. I was beginning to realize that I relied on other people to make me feel joy. If I could not make myself happy that someone else can make me feel happy. I thought it was quit fine to walk this walk alone like I told myself not to do.
I would reach out and post stupid posts just so I can say I tired. I would say I did my best to let everyone know how it really feels to be that low…and society is not with it.
Things like death, suicide, depression, etc is not something you can post about because it is a touchy subject and no one likes a Debbie Downer. That is how we, the depressed, have less and less friends each year. I know to them we sound like a broken record “Poor me! Poor me!” But in reality we need just a little support. We need to know at least someone is there to keep tabs on us, to check in if we are okay.
I can see how it gets difficult
Sometimes its hard to watch. It can make you uncomfortable, they are too overwhelmingly depressed that it effects your mood, it is a never ending story, it is too time consuming, not a lot of feedback, being annoyed that their situation isn’t remotely as bad as yours, etc
WHATEVER it may be, not a lot of people stick around and I grew to find that’s okay. I found that the only people that do their very best to try to do anything are the ones who know how it feels. The people who struggled with cash give to charity, the people with depression themselves reach out the most, the people who had dreams to make it big and failed give people second chances, etc. I grew to find those who have been through similar have a way better understanding and know exactly the way you are feeling. They do their best to prevent it from getting worse because they too know the pain. They probably don’t wish it upon anyone else.
There is a point where you have to draw a line
I see it is unhealthy to give all of yourself to help. Being to selfless is damaging to one self in extremes. I found myself homeless, raped, abused, married, divorcing, landing pregnant, being a broke parent, losing a beloved parent, working endless jobs, ad so much other situations that I find myself to be super giving. I find myself being super understanding. I find myself losing myself trying to help people figure things out. I have a massive heart and it hurts just like yours. I still care about past relationships and I still care about those who have done me wrong.
You see, I see things this way. I do not only look at the bad things, I look at the good as well. I see if the good outweighs the bad. I do not look at just the bad or just the good, that is simply not fair. A person needs second chances, maybe not thirds or fourths, but we are human. Humans are evil by nature you know, there is no one out there that has not lived without sin. So, I think of things quite differently. I do not hate and nor do I discriminate because of the things done in the past. If there was once good in that heart, their could be room to redeem and move forward. This is not Star Wars, no one is Anikin Skywalker, we are capable of change.
But there is a time where you have to just stop, step back, and breathe. There is no way in hell that I can hold that burden. Imagine having a person who constantly has a mind that tells them they are a worthless waste of space and go out to help others not feel that way. Taking other peoples burden off their shoulders while you still carry yours. It makes you crazy, weak, and makes you do irrational things.
Society has conformed us to be quiet about these matters and we need to seek professional help, when in reality, we need a good foundation. Self love and an amazing support group. But above all else, SELF LOVE! To work on ourselves before we go and help others.
Well, that’s me. I speak for myself when I say things like that and I assume it is the truth. Well, my truth at the moment. 23 year old’s logic.
So I have decided to walk away
I have decided to walk away from a lot of my relationships recently. I have decided to break away from helping the to helping myself once again, but in a positive way. To love from afar.
All the negativity is flushing away and I am feeling like I am able to breath again. The breaths I took before were sips and now they are deeper, heavy, liberating.
I feel so much better
I really do. I found a new love for myself I thought I would never have. I make myself happy other than finding it in someone else.
Maybe it was due to the fact that I was always with someone? Whether it was dating or married or so, I always had support from a partner. Now I am on my own. Now I am figuring out life on my own. I am paying bills on my own. Coming home to Sammy sometimes or to a lonely room and all you can do is look at the bed and know this is all just your space now. I am not expecting anyone to come home.
All of that used to bother me. I was very sad when I sat there and moped about it. But I found a new love for the extra time I have. I started to visit my family more and actually go out with friends.
I have been focusing more on my job and career that I am super duper happy where that is going!
There is this spark that I was obviously missing in myself. It was called “Believing in my damn self!”.
I did not believe I could do this without a partner because I relied on one for half of my life. But I learned to to live without one and I learned that it takes a lot of self love to get over what I fight with myself constantly.
Yea, I still live with depression
That won’t go away, but it is much more manageable than when I used to just rely on others to help me feel better about my miserable self. The negativity still blares in my mind but self talk and reassurance is definitely helping.
This post was actually started about a month and half ago when I was feeling pretty crap about my life and what not. What kind of shit storm did I make for myself?
But here I am.
About a month and a half/ 2 months later…trying to live the best life I could possibly live.
Its been difficult but a well worth journey.
Leave a Reply