Project Norma: Day 218

I am doing a little better

It could be all sorts of better, but it isn’t. Just Better.

I learned a few things from loving someone who was bad for you and you bad for him. I learned hard life lessons and I struggle to keep afloat.

I do have my dream job

My work life has been wonderful! Things are falling into place and I love what I do. My career has been what is keeping me from going completely insane, and it has helped me tremendously.

I am learning knew things and I am falling in love with it every second. There is all sorts of things I still need to learn and I cant wait to get onto that.

Now, back to the life lessons

I learned that I am stupid. I am. I have let myself be used and I let myself be treated in a way no one should be treated.

It has been a struggle to get over these feelings of worthlessness and to get over the feeling of being lonely. It has been hard to accept love even more now because I cannot see myself as worthy to deserve such a thing. Much so that I am driving people away.  That I let my mind trick me into thinking I am not worth the time of day.

I am letting the people win. The people who hurt me all these years. Their negative words, the way they told me who and what I am. The way that they told me I do not deserve anything good in life. That I am a nobody. Nobody would ever love me.

I tried not to think about it or ponder on it for too long when it happens, but when I sit home alone in my own thoughts, I cannot help but feel that they are right. I was not worth a damn to my father, my mother would always wish I would just die, and my family only calls when they need something from me. So far, only a handful of friends have tried to lift my spirits and I feel horrible for them. It would take more than a village to help me fix myself.

I should do this alone.

I really should. Not entirely, but to make myself feel happy. I noticed I needed to back in February. I needed to put on my big girl panties on and take on the world.

I have noticed every time I started to do better and things were going right, my life took a sharp turn for the worst. My love life and my home life had been a disaster and the deaths in the family has taken a great toll on my health. One after another, they kept kicking me while I was already down.

I know I am stronger than this.

I know I have the guts to brush myself off and do it again. I know I have enough courage to try to fix my mistakes, and I know I have it within me to move forward. I have been doing better.

But I find myself slipping. I find myself talking negative talk to myself and I find myself sharing these thoughts way too often than not and it is ruining so many good things for me.

I should not let my abusers win, but I have countless times.

I always tried to tell myself “You are better than this, Norma! Get it together!” And I would a lot of the time just to have it be torn down by memories I wish I could erase.

I wish I could forget all the bad things in life, but I know they are essential to know in order to live the life I was meant to live. To not fall for the same mistakes again, to learn to love the little things, and to know when it is the right time to say no more.

I miss the old me too, guys

I really do. I miss the happy me that always saw the better things in life and smiled even when her life was shit. Who trudged through without complaint and let the people who loved me love me and let myself feel safe.

I miss the way it felt to feel a good warm hug. To have a person’s words grave deep into my soul saying I am enough. To feel the sheer joy of someone actually being proud of me.

I now sit here and think back and now I do realize I did extraordinary things at such a young age. I have been through hell and back countless times and here I am standing, barley breathing, but standing.

Maybe my soul is just tired.

Maybe it has had enough of trying so hard and have the efforts not be worth a damn.

And I am stupid enough to think that someone loving me is going to fix that.

NO.

I need to fix that.

No one else.

I do.

No person should ever carry the burden of trying to make me feel happy but myself. I need to find Norma once again, for what seems to be like the fiftieth hundredth time! But I do.

I am changing rapidly. My world and my outlook changes so much that it is hard to keep up that I have no room to love others at the moment. I have been selfish and I have been horrible to think I can be saved by looking for that love.

Love?

Love should come freely. Love should come out of nowhere and not forced. It should be taken care of. Where you know this seedling is the one and you water it and take care of it everyday to make it become beautiful, the way it should be.

It should come at its own time, and we should wait patiently.

It should make me feel safe, warm, and feel like I am right at home other than new and exciting.

It should have me patient and I should trust in it.

I should wait until that time. I should wait until my world clears a bit first before I dive right into something I know I am not ready for. I do not want to hurt those who try so hard to make me feel special.

It is like that metaphor. Of the tea cup.

If I am running on empty and I am giving my love into your full or empty cup, the love for myself will be gone or too low for me to be considered worth a drink. And as much of your own tea that you try to put into mine, it will leave you drained and feel unloved and not enough. It is important I brew myself more tea and make it a special kind of tea only special people can have. To find the special love that I have for myself and let my tea overflow and have others take some if needed because I have way too much. My cup will never empty for I love myself to ever feel so empty. So I can love freely and accept only the sweet sugars of others to make it that much sweeter.

I live my life with Expectations

That is ruining everything. I should not expect much. I already don’t but I should not expect things to go the way I plan them to go. It is not my world. It is everyone’s and I just live in it. Life is too complicated to think I will know exactly how things go. I should wait patiently, try my best, not give up, and just hope for the best. If I do not accomplish what I wanted I can try try again, and how much I care about it determines how many times I will try. There are a lot of things I will die trying for. Those are the best outcomes.

But to expect it to go my way? I can laugh at myself right now. I really can. I am an idiot. I am stupid.

But I know now that I can just try and hope for the best and not expect much.

Deep down, I know my worth

I know I should not ever EVER beg to be loved again. I will never ask to be loved. I will, never ask people to give me their undivided attention. I will never let anyone tell me who and what I am. I will not let others define me. I will not let them hurt me. I will look deep within myself and find what I mean to myself.  I should spend more time on myself and my daughter than worrying about anything else.

I know, that once I find my love for myself, I will be unstoppable. I will hold my head high with confidence and will be willing to take on the world with my arms swinging.

And then I could help and love the ones who loved me when I was at my lowest. Those who have been there through thick and thin. Maybe find that true love I always read and dreamed about and him and I will take on the universe.

But for now?

I am finding that worth.

Right now?

I am recovering from all the blows that life has given me. There will be scars.

But the bruises and hurt will heal.

All in the matter of time.

Until Next Time,