I was negative these past 2 weeks
This whole time on this journey I have been trying to keep positive and stay away from being so negative all the time. I learned to take a step back and breath and tell myself it can be worse.
I tried to step back and tell myself everything is going to be fine, but I can’t here. I have people breathing down my neck and people telling me I should be this and that and that I should be doing this and instead of that…
It is hard to be your own person with people telling you what you should and shouldn’t do.
But I am learning to ignore it. I grew that backbone where I do not stay quiet anymore, I learned to speak up and say what is really the matter with me instead of having people walk all over me. I learned to keep my head up and trudge on no matter how shitty things get. People’s opinions mean nothing to me anymore, I learned to ignore the people who go out of their way to bring me down or simply don’t like me. I am proud of that the most.
I used to be this people pleaser where all I wanted to do was do whatever it took so people would like me, and I learned the hard way that not everyone will.
My self Image?
I am still working on that. I am actually nowhere near where I want to be in my outlook, but I will get there. I have been eating salads and drinking only water and I feel super better. I had no idea how sick I would feel eating local food. I need to get used that as soon as I can. Or just stick to my salad meals, I don’t mind them and I feel better. Who knows? I might lose weight! (Ha!)
My hair is cut super short and I dyed it black so I would not be tempted to dye it any other color so it can grow longer and healthier than I had it before.
I wear less makeup. I rarely wear it unless I am at work. I don’t feel like wearing makeup there either, makes me feel dirty and sweaty, especially in this heat (I am not used to the heat anymore, working on that too).
All in All
I am doing fine. Not super great nor super bad. I have a love and hate relationship with my work life, a non-existent social life, and my romantic life is hurting because of the distance but I am hanging in there. Another 7 months and I will see him again!
Things could be better and I can moan about how shit it is, but I have to think, it could be worse and good things take time.
My mental health is improving on its own without any pills or hospitals! No doctors and all that crazy stuff, I am working on myself and I cannot believe I have come this far.
Not a lot of people know the daily struggle I go through every day to even get up in the morning and even want to put clothes on. To even open my eyes. It is hard to tell your brain that everything is alright while it is alarming that a disaster is coming and I should be safe in bed all day.
But here I am. Living proof it can slowly get better, it depends on how much YOU want to change. It is all in the willpower.
Well, so long for now. Touch basis soon!