What Life Would I Have If I Did Not Have A Child?

I know what kind of life I had when I was 15 with no obligations.

I had a free lifestyle back then. I have always wanted to live a life where I never stopped and I wanted to keep going. I knew I wanted to travel and get out of the little town I was living in. I still do because I live there now.

But here is the deal. I am going to let loose and just say the damn truth.

I really did miss out on my life. I missed out a lot. I know I did everything so young when I had the time to sneak out in the middle of the night and hang out with complete strangers at some house party out in the country somewhere. I knew I did sneak into abandoned buildings and I did some crazy stuff, but I wish it did not end so fast.

Do not get me wrong, I love my daughter and I would not trade her for anything but I cannot help staying up at night and think about all the things I have missed.

I am a young adult not knowing the slightest clue on what to do.

I missed out on what most people call LIVING. I do live, a really old-ladyish lifestyle and that is fine. I stay home and drink wine and watch crap on Netflix because I want to relax.

But there are nights where I try to envision what life would I have if I did not get knocked up at 15. What if I did not end up with William in high school? What if I never met Connor? What if my first heartbreak did drive me to a man who did not care about me and drove me to have a crazy single lifestyle where I did not need validation from anyone but myself.

Where would I be if I was that strong independent Norma I knew I could have been if I was strong enough. And here would be my bullshit story.

The Norma with no child or relationships. (The Life Where if everything goes right)

I would have a butt load of dogs. I know I would have at least 2 or 3 dogs at least to keep me company in my one bedroom apartment. I would have my BA and still going strong in Mortuary Science and a minor in ELA (school had always been important to me).

I would wake up with my three dogs and I would get us all breakfast. I would have a damn good coffee machine and I would make some super freaking good coffee with extra cream and have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast.

I would go for my morning jog (I was a morning person back when I didn’t have my Sammy) and would make sure I did my mile run. Maybe hit the gym if I had a gym membership. Come home and freshen up.

I would head off to work in an office where all I do is answer calls and fill out and sort out paperwork for a Funeral Home and sometimes go into the back to help and get my hours in as an intern.

I would have some bomb.com tacos for lunch with a sangria because I can and I would go back to work and be mad about how much paperwork I have to go through.

I would get off work and go to class right afterward and go home and get some homework done that would not be due until Monday. I would then take the dogs for a walk with my BFFs and talk about the BS that happened with Brad from Walmart and how lame he was on the date from the night before. I would head home feed the dogs, take a long shower and get ready for the night’s activities.

I would be fit because I would go to the gym and I still had my high metabolism (cries a little inside) and I would wear a nice tight black dress with a low back and some nice heels with my hair did and I would nail the makeup tutorials from YouTube. I would call up my girls and head off to the karaoke bar where we would laugh and drink all the drinks we have not tried yet and go back to our favorite ones. My friends and I would have a go on the mic and make complete fools out of ourselves and laugh it off later.

Brad shows up with some guy friends of his own this time and he walks over because he has spotted us and we try to hide but it was too late. His friends turn out to be waaayyyy cooler than Brad from Walmart and we chat with them instead. We have a plan to go up to one of Brad’s friend’s parents cabin upstate in a few weeks and we get excited (stir of the moment type of thing).

One of my friends decides to hit the club and we are all drunk enough to say “Why the fuck not?”

We go to this club where the bouncer takes his job way too seriously and we try to get in and he gives us a sketchy look and finally lets us all go inside. We dance for a little bit seeing that Brad’s friend Mark has some weird/cool moves and he is loving the scene. Brad hangs back for a while and talks to my friend instead and they seem to hit it off pretty well. My other friends and I laugh at dumb confession time where we talk about ourselves a little more and we seem like complete psychopaths.

One of my friends gets so wasted we have to take her to the bathroom and we are helping her while she cries saying she will never meet someone. We help her hold her hair while she pukes while she hugs the toilet seat talking about how she is not eating any more Mexican food because it makes her gain weight on her ankles. The girls in the bathroom talk about this new bra that came out on sale where it is so comfortable and affordable and it makes your boobs look banging. We all then start sharing our secret tips and giving each other compliments to boost our confidence. We pick up our friend and brush off and help her look great again the best we can and we get back out there and dance like idiots.

We get tuckered out and start talking about how we all have shit to do the next day and we all call an Uber. We all cram in and say goodnight to the boys and we all head home talking about how we are going to text each other later.

I get home to my happy dogs there to meet me and I lazily walk over to the couch and throw my shoes next to the door and snuggle the throw blanket. I turn on the TV and watch a rerun of Freinds and snuggle with my dogs until I fall asleep.

I wake up to my dog licking my face and my alarm going off in my bedroom as a run over and turn it off. I hop in the shower and get dressed while I make coffee again while I feed my happy dogs.  I go out for a run or the gym and come back and wash myself off and flip it over to Saturday morning talk shows where an overdramatic host captivates me to see how the woman survived the house fire and how she looks like today. I text my friends and we all talk about last night in a group text saying we are def going to that cabin. We agree to meet up for lunch and I start to get laundry done before noon.

My mom would come over and tell me how to do the house chores “right” and say that dogs are not meant to be inside. She would give me all the rundown on family gossip over a quick snack and she would go saying she had lots to do at home and she would leave with a quick “reminder” that I need to do something about my hair.

I would get ready and go off to Applebees for lunch while one of my friends say she needs help finding a dress for her date tonight. We all agree on helping her out and we set off to the mall and find a nice outfit where it is not too slutty and not too classy either. We then go all out and try on free samples and put on slutty things just for fun and purchase a thing or two we DO NOT NEED and regret it later.

We all head home and I go off to the library and look through all the books and find a few good reads and check them out. I go home and walk my dogs alone and play fetch at the park. I get a text from Brad asking me if he could come over tonight and I would say no and keep playing with my fur babies. I would call my brother and ask him why is he still such a loser as I sit alone in a park full of dogs while he calls me a bitch and we both laugh.

I come home and feed the dogs and start reading the books I picked out with a glass of wine when I get another text from Brad asking me out on a date. The book was so good but Brad said he would pay this time and I figured “Why the hell not?”

I got ready and went out on my date and found out we were more friends than anything else and it took away the awkwardness we had and talked about good movies and old video games we played growing up. We had a good time and said we should hang out more often and I would drive to the groceries store and buy food for the next couple of days and I see that cunt who I hated during high school and you smile and wave back to not be rude. Then you see that hot guy who does weights from a few apartments over and you cannot help but look at him grab avocados and I can’t help but think he is perfect. I would have no idea who he is but I make up shit about him all the time and think about him on lonely nights.

I come home and make some food I found a recipe on online and it turns out pretty bomb and I turn on the TV and game for a bit before bed. The group text dings and I look over to find that my friend had a great date and she is happy with this guy and I send a heart and a happy face because that bitch deserves happiness.

I go off to bed.

Sunday morning I wake up to no alarm and it is my cheat day so I jog half-assed and I come home and shower. I get a call from my mother saying I should come to church with her this Sunday and I tell her I will come over for dinner instead and she is satisfied with that answer and she hangs up without saying goodbye as usual. I get my paints out and watch a movie after I have fed my babies, and get so inspired about it that I write some BS Facebook status that I am going to be this whole new person which we all know I am not. I then will get frustrated with my painting that I chuck it into my art desk and leave it there to think about what it has done. I start making lunch and read a little bit.

I get a knock at the door and it is a girl from school asking me about if I had notes from the lesson from Friday. I freak out because I forgot about my homework and I give her the notes where she takes pictures of it and we banter a little bit because we are good school friends and she leaves to do her homework.

I get down to it and get frustrated and ask the dogs if we really need to learn about the twelve cranial nerves and the cranial cavity and then I stop my dramatic episode and say they are right, it is something I need to know.

My mom calls me and asks where I am and I tell her I am going to be late and she goes off saying that I always do this and I argue that I don’t (but I do) and she hangs up on me and I get back and finish my paper and I take the dogs out for a quick walk before I have to go. I pet them and hug my babies goodbye because I am dreading going to her house where I know all my family will be there on a Sunday evening.

I drive up and sure enough, all their cars are in the front of the house and I silently prepare myself to go in.

My brothers say “FINALLY you come!” and tell my mom I got here and she comes over and tells me to hurry up and eat, she made food and it will get cold. My sisters and their husbands all are around the table eating and I let out a breath while they drill me with questions about everything and I laugh and give some BS answers. We then take the piss out of each other and laugh and get off the subject of me. My mom says she wants to watch her favorite horror movie and I say I need to go and everyone begs for me to stay. I go over and sit down while my mom says no that I need to make popcorn for everyone. I go over and make it and I find myself enjoying family time and it gets late and I leave with my mom asking I should comer over often. I wave goodbye and head home.

I get my work clothes ready and I set my alarm and lay down in bed with my silly animals next to me and I drift off to sleep to start my week over again.

Of course, my life would not be that easy.

I came from broke family with nothing to our name so I would not have the money to go out to the clubs and bars all the time. Shopping would scare the crap out of me but this is the life I would have if I did not have my daughter, never been married, and I did not have to worry about money.

Sounds lame right?

But that is the life I think about today. My life right now is chaotic, but I would not have it any other way.

Until Next Time!

Signature Blog

Please help a broke girl out? Trying so hard to afford to live and it is difficult. My car does not go a day without overheating and my rent keeps skyrocketing. Anything is appreciated and thank you in advance! ♥ My PayPal Link is HERE

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