Project Norma: Day 43

I am stupid.

You know when you know you are not going to do something but you say you are anyways to make yourself feel better? Like putting some kind of unrealistic goals and then you realize…wow I am shit at this.

I have not started a workout plan.

I have not even lifted a single weight this whole entire time. Why do I say I am going to do this and I don’t?

I have no freaking clue!

Here I was writing a blog post about how I am going to achieve so much crap and do better this year and blah blah blah. And now here we are…not doing anything and just typing another failed attempt. For some reason, I liked to keep things like that a secret and I would not tell anyone if I did or not, but what is the whole use in lying to others and lying to yourself? It does nothing for you or them. They don’t care and you do. You care that you ate a giant bowl of cereal and you did not do those 50 squats and the 35 deadlifts.

I have been productive though!

I have been wanting to get better at PC gaming and I am. I have played online non stop for a day and it was a good time.

I started a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign and I am stoked! I have not played in YEARS and I am ready to get down on that next week! I made my character today and I must say I am RUSTY! I forgot about all the things you have to put into a character and it was a lengthy thing but I am satisfied with my whatever character.

I have read some books here and there and I am loving the third book of the Quarantine series. Not bad at all.

I have been trying to get my sleep schedule in order but I have had no such luck. I always seem to mess it up somehow and I refuse to do this again and again.

I need to find discipline.

I need to get my act together and learn to discipline myself. I used to have that…that D word. Not dick, the other one.

I had everything together and I saw a bright future and I let my head get the best of me. Depression is something I wish would just GO AWAY!

It is like there are 2 versions of me. The happy “I am going to do so much crap!” person and the “I don’t want to do anything and just die” kind of person. They are both in my head all the time. When I am happy the depressed version of me is yelling at myself telling me to just stop kidding myself. And when I am depressed the Happy version of me is yelling at me to get the hell up and seize the day. I cannot win either way.

Lately, I have been thinking about going home and just asking my doctor to just give me the antidepressants. I am learning I cannot live like this without help anymore.

All in all, I am doing alright!

Some days I cannot stand myself but right now I am okay. Mad at myself that I have no self-control, but I am still trying.

I am going to start this work out thing tomorrow without any “if’s” “and’s” or “but’s”.

I need to get my shit together. I need to get my shit done.

Let us see how long it takes until it finally sinks in!

Until Next time!

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