This year I decided to be more positive and be the person I have always wanted to be. Today is day 40 and I am ashamed of myself.
Because I have abandoned everything I want to do. I have list upon list of things to do that I overwhelm myself and I just throw myself into the small hole and never want to come out.
I am a person who wants to do EVERYTHING. By EVERYTHING, I mean EEEVERYYYTHIIING. I want to ski, hike, swim, write books, learn to tattoo, dance, be an amazing cook, be a good pool player etc and there is no way in hell I will be able to do everything I want to do in this lifetime.
First of all…
I should work on my weight. The things I want to do require me to have a long, healthy, outgoing life and I need to change my lifestyle. To say I have is a lie. But to say I am not trying is also a lie. I am eating better and I work out here and there and I was doing really good in the middle of January until the words of people got to me.
I am not saying people were throwing insults at me while I was working out, but the people I come across online make me want to never leave the house again. I read stories about some people making fun of us chubby fat people because we look the way we do.
I remember being thin and I remember working my ass off to impress a mother who would never think I was good enough. Me, that encouraged others to run that last lap and to keep pushing forward. I knew how it felt like to be skinny. I can honest to god say I remember thinking I would never be overweight like I am now.
I used to be determined, I had ambition, drive.
Now I can say I don’t have a fourth of that anymore. After I became a young mom and I became homeless right after high school, my self-worth took a dive. I felt like the scum of the earth and people like me ruin society and no one has time for young mothers who dropped out of college.
I need to find that self-worth back.
I have to find the fire I once held within me that made me just go. I wasn’t one to sit around and let things happen and I miss that old me.
Maybe I changed because I now realize how stupid I used to be and how the positive me was living in her fake world where dreams do come true…
But that is the kind of thinking that got me to where I am now. A failure. I don’t want to be that. I hate being a dang failure. My mom did not raise me with her blood, sweat, and tears for me to be a damned failure.
Project Norma will now consist of:
- Moderation– I will have small tasks here and there instead of throwing so many things to do at once that I will just give up, Not this time!
- A Better Workout Plan– My old workout plan was good but it didn’t really consist of anything but just saying it was arm day and leg day and threw in whatever workouts I found. I need to find a better plan that will work for me.
- Coming Out Of My Comfort Zone– I have made some changes lately and I liked this one I made. I started to venture out and started to talk to more people. I started to start conversations and I NEVER DO THAT! I have been trying something new every day and I will continue to from now on!
- Finishing What I Start- I have been looking for a good book club and found one. I have been meaning to finish the book that is due tomorrow and I will. To write in my Blog about the 1 out of 7 Billion Series and the Urban Legends Series I have and I have emails of content I should keep up with.
- Giving A Little Bit More Of Love- Not just loving myself more, but to give my friends and family more love. I have not forgotten who really matters to me and I think I never will but I have learned to distance myself. I did not want to hurt the ones I love with my self-destructive self. It has been a year of me shielding away from them and I need to stop that asap because it is not fair to them.
This Post was a bit everywhere…
But it was the stupid truth. I am thinking about just writing on my blog from now on instead of Facebook about my thoughts and especially feelings because I can write for DAYS! I want to take a break from oversharing in my private accounts instead of here where my thoughts should be!
I want to see my progress and I want to see growth. I want to see where this journey will take me and I am ready to keep going even though I slacked off here right at the fucking beginning!
So here is day 40…where I could have been 20 pounds lighter and written more but whatever! I will get there!
And I am ready for all the new days to come!
Until Next Time!